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Tales from the Scumcook streets and other oddities.
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Hello, watchful neighbors! This was just released by Chief Lane: “Good morning, The Pembroke Police Department will hold aNeighborhood Watch, crime prevention seminar, at the Public Safety Center onTuesday, November 17th at 6:30 P.M. The presentation will include areview of some methods you can use to spot suspicious activity as well as somemethods to safe guard your home. Children are welcomed. Lightrefreshments will be served. If you plan on attending please RSVP to me so wecan get an idea for refreshments. Thanksfor your support! Scott J. Lane, Chief of Police”
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Well, it’s been a busy few days in bloggery thanks to the many criminals who choose to call the ‘bronx home: Yet another APB, folks! This time we have an attempted break-in at the Emerson Mills Condominium building on Main Street Scumcook. Apparently, someone attempted to pry open the window of a ground-level condo. It is presumed that this brazen act occurred during daytime hours. All area citizens are being urged to keep their doors and windows locked in addition to maintaining an ultra vigilant eye. Please report any and all suspicious activity to the Pembroke Police Department immediately. And remember boys and girls: Only you can prevent home invasions. Be prepared, like a Boy Scout.
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I have another APB to issue, albeit a bit late: It has come to my attention that my buddy’s orange Scion XD had its rear window smashed-out last week. It happened sometime overnight between Tuesday 10/28 and Wednesday 10/29, right here in Scumcook Village. It appears that nothing was stolen from the vehicle, but a major nuisance nonetheless. So, I am asking any ‘Straight out of Pembronx” readers who may have seen anything suspicious around that time last week to come forward with any info which may prove helpful. The vandalism occurred downtown in the ‘bronx, specifically in the area of Front and Main Streets near the Emerson Mills Condominium building. If anyone is able to offer information leading to the arrest of the criminal/s responsible, I will personally donate $25 to a charitable cause of that person’s choosing. This will allow any tipsters to remain anonymous if they desire. It is up to us, the citizens of Pembroke and Allenstown, to keep our community safe and free of vandalism. These acts of vandalism, theft and drug dealing are further depressing our collective property values, shaking our community’s sense of security, and challenging our patience. Please contact the Pembroke or Allenstown Police immediately upon witnessing any form of suspicious activity. Seriously, do it for the greater good. And if any would-be thieves are reading this, be afraid, very afraid – the next vehicle you break into may be surveilled by a nightvision camera. Or maybe even by a few armed, angry dudes. And I promise you that we won’t call the cops…
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The following APB just came in from Chief Lane. Deploy ye bat signal! Robins of the ‘bronx, let us find these hoodlums and see them swiftly brought to justice: “Good morning, The department took a report yesterday of a day time, residential burglary at the Littlefield Condos. Force was used to gain entry. A small to midsized, blue sedan was seen leaving the area quickly. There were 4 young men in the car. It is unknown if this related or not. All town residence are asked to be extra vigilant. Do not hesitate to call us (485-3421) if you see anything that looks out of place or is suspicious to you. Thanks for your help. Scott J. Lane, Chief of Police Pembroke Police Department”
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PEMBROKE POLICE DAILY LOGS TO PROTECT AND SERVEOCTOBER 1, 2009 TO OCTOBER 31, 2009 Officers responded to 1,101 calls for service, including the following arrests: FRIDAY OCT. 2 9:20 a.m.-Pembroke St., Officers Nickerson and Hanson served arrest warrant for Merrimack County Sheriffs Office on Corey Miller, 17 of Pembroke St. Pembroke, Miller was transported to the PD, processed and released to Merrimack County Sheriff; 5:20 p.m.-PD, Officer Cunha served arrest warrant for simple assault and disorderly conduct on Tyler Hutchinson, 17 of Fifth Range Rd. Pembroke, Hutchinson was processed and released on PR bail, Hutchinson is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on October 27, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; SUNDAY OCT. 4 3:17 a.m.-Route 3, received report of suspicious subjects, Officer Bergeron responded to investigate, placed David Banning, 20 of Canton Circle Concord under arrest for unlawful possession of alcohol, Banning was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Banning is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on November 10, 2009 at 8:15 a.m. Officer Bergeron also placed Justin Parmenter, 21 of Renarl Ave. Pembroke under arrest for acts prohibited and prohibited sales of alcohol, Parmenter was also transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail Parmenter is also scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on November 10, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; 7:51 p.m.-Front St., received report of suspicious activity, Sgt. Gaskell responded to investigate, placed Joshua Simard, 21 of Houle Ave. Allenstown under arrest for theft, Simard was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Simard is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on October 27, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; TUESDAY OCT. 6 11:30 a.m.-PD, Officer Cunha served arrest warrant for simple assault and criminal trespass on Matthew Knapp, 30 of Depot St. Pittsfield, Knapp was processed and released on PR bail, Knapp is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on November 10, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; WEDS. OCT. 7 10:41 p.m.-Academy Rd., Officer Cunha and Sgt. Gaskell initiate motor vehicle stop, placed Mohamet Kamara, 20 of Devans MA under arrest for outstanding bench warrant for Manchester District Court, Kamara was transported to the PD, processed and released; FRIDAY OCT. 9 7:15 p.m.-Broadway, received report of domestic dispute, Sgt. Gaskell and Officer Cunha responded to investigate, placed Steven Beauregard, 23 of Broadway, Pembroke under arrest for simple assault x 2, Beauregard was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Beauregard is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on November 10, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; MONDAY OCT. 12 6:25 p.m.-PD, Officer Allen served arrest warrant for false report to law enforcement x 3 to Sara Harrison, 43 of Pembroke St. Pembroke, Harrison was processed and is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on December 1, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; TUESDAY OCT. 13 1:25 p.m.-Pembroke St., received report of domestic dispute, Officer Hanson, Det. Sgt. Shea and Lt. Gilman responded to investigate, placed Amanda Martin 23 of Pembroke St. Pembroke under arrest for simple assault, Martin was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Martin is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on December 8, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; 9:11 p.m.-PD, Officers Allen and Xenakis placed Kevin Amyot, 39 of Bridge St. Ext. Pembroke under arrest for 2 outstanding bench warrants, Amyot was processed and released; THURS. OCT. 15 10:00 a.m.-Route 106, Det. Sgt. Shea and Officer Xenakis initiated motor vehicle stop, placed Terasa Asselin, 30 of Sheep Davis Rd. Pembroke under arrest for outstanding arrest warrant for Amherst PD, Asselin was transported to the PD, processed and released to Amherst PD; SUNDAY OCT. 18 7:35 p.m.-PD, Sgt. Gaskell and Officer Xenakis placed Alicia Mullavey-Rix, 23 of Pembroke St. Pembroke under arrest for outstanding bench warrant for Concord District Court, Mullavey-Rix was processed and released; 8:05 p.m.-PD, Officer Cunha placed Chad Gokey, 32 of Fourth Range Rd. Pembroke under arrest for two outstanding bench warrants, one for Concord District Court and one for Hooksett District Court, Gokey was processed and released; WEDS. OCT. 21 7:27 p.m.-PD, Officer Cunha served outstanding arrest warrant for 2 counts of conduct after an accident to Margarita Vigneau, 18 of Center Hill Rd. Epsom, Vigneau was processed and released on PR bail, Vigneau is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on November 24, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; THURS. OCT. 22 2:17 a.m.-Route 3, received report of suspicious motor vehicle, Officer Bergeron responded to investigate, placed Christopher Demicco, 27 of Pembroke St. Pembroke under arrest for carrying weapons (switchblade), Demicco was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Demicco is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on November 24, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; 7:30 p.m.-Broadway, Officers Allen and Cunha placed Katherine Hutchins, 23 of Broadway, Pembroke under arrest for outstanding arrest warrant for Allenstown PD, Hutchins was transported to the PD, processed and released to Allenstown PD; SUNDAY OCT. 25 12:03 a.m.-Glass St., received report of suspicious subject, Officer Allen responded to investigate, placed Jonathan Annis, 35 of Turnpike St. Allenstown under protective custody, Annis was transported to the PD, processed and released; MONDAY OCT. 26 9:11 a.m.-Broadway, received report of suspicious activity, Officer Bergeron responded to investigate, placed Larry Edward, 27 of Broadway, Pembroke under arrest for outstanding bench warrant from Hooksett District Court, Edward was transported to the PD, processed and released;
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PEMBROKE POLICE DAILY LOGS TO PROTECT AND SERVESEPTEMBER 1, 2009 TO SEPTEMBER 30, 2009 Officers responded to 1,214 calls for service, including the following arrests: THURS. SEPT. 3 12:30 p.m.-Glass St., Officer Cunha placed Michael Silver, 32 of Main St. Pembroke under arrest for outstanding bench warrant, Silver was transported to the PD, processed and transported to Merrimack County House of Corrections pending arraignment at Hooksett District Court; SUNDAY SEPT. 6 5:35 p.m.-Front St., Officer Nickerson served outstanding warrant for Hooksett PD for the charge of receiving stolen property on Donna Servitelli, 33 of Front St. Pembroke, Servitelli was transported to the PD, processed and released to Hooksett PD; TUESDAY SEPT. 8 6:00 a.m.-Front St., Lt. Gilman served outstanding warrant for possession of controlled drugs x 2 on Jonathan Williams, 27 of Main St. Stewartstown, NH, Williams was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Williams is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on October 27, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; WEDS. SEPT. 9 9:41 p.m.-Pembroke St., Officer Nickerson investigated suspicious activity, placed Sean Hunter 30, of Pembroke St. Pembroke under arrest for possession of controlled drug, unlawful dealing in prescription drugs and falsifying physical evidence, Hunter was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Hunter is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on October 27, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; SUNDAY SEPT. 20 9:51 p.m.-Route 106, received motor vehicle complaint, Officer Allen and Sgt. Gaskell responded to investigate, placed William Allen, 57 of Dawson Ave. Manchester under arrest for DWI, Allen was transported to the PD, processed and transported to Merrimack County House of Corrections pending arraignment at Hooksett District Court; TUES. SEPT. 22 8:31 p.m.-PD, Officer Allen served arrest warrant for receiving stolen property on Amy Loeser, 23 of Granite St. Hooksett, Loeser was processed and released on PR bail, Loeser is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on October 27, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; WEDS. SEPT. 23 2:00 p.m.-Pembroke St., Det. Sgt. Shea served arrest warrant for Duty to Report on Khamphet Mounsamlouath, who was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Mounsamlouath is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on October 27, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; SUNDAY SEPT. 27 9:58 a.m.-PD, Officer Hanson served arrest warrant for conduct after an accident to Kenneth McGarr, 45 of Dearborn Rd. Pembroke, McGarr was processed and released on PR bail, McGarr is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on October 27, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; 9:37 p.m.-Broadway, received report of domestic dispute, Officer Allen and Sgt. Gaskell responded to investigate, placed Joanne Johnson, 35 of Broadway Pembroke under arrest for simple assault, Johnson was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Johnson is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on October 27, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; 7:51 p.m.-Front St., received report of suspicious activity, Sgt. Gaskell responded to investigate, placed Joshua Simard, 21 of Houle Ave, Allenstown under arrest for theft, Simard was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Simard is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on October 27, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; TUES. SEPT. 29 12:55 p.m.-PD, Officer Cunha served arrest warrant for issuing bad checks on Richard Cybenko, 24 of Ella Court Rochester, NH Cybenko was processed and released on PR bail, Cybenko is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on November 3, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.;
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PEMBROKE POLICE DAILY LOGS TO PROTECT AND SERVEAUGUST 1, 2009 TO AUGUST 31, 2009 Officers responded to 1,440 calls for service, including the following arrests: SAT. AUGUST 1 8:43 p.m.-N. Pembroke Rd., Officer Allen initiated motor vehicle stop, placed William Morel, 38 of Crescent St. Pittsfield under arrest for driving after suspension and criminal mischief, Morel was transported to the PD, processed and transported to Merrimack County House of Corrections on cash bail, Morel was subsequently re-arrested on new charges of acts prohibited and falsifying physical evidence, Morel was held at Merrimack County House of Corrections pending arraignment; SAT. AUGUST 8 7:00 p.m.-Broadway, received report of suspicious activity, Officer Cunha investigated, placed Jared Jensen, 23 of Broadway Pembroke under arrest for second degree assault x 2 counts, Jensen was transported to the PD, processed and transported to Merrimack County House of Corrections pending arraignment; FRI. AUGUST 14 11:35 p.m.-Route 28, Sobriety Checkpoint, officers placed Donald Gosselin, 23 of Wood Cote Rd. Epsom under arrest for DWI, Gosselin was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Gosselin is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 15, 2009 at 8:15 a.m. SAT. AUGUST 15 12:16 a.m.-Route 28, Sobriety Checkpoint, officers placed Stephen Bradford Clifton, 25 of Webster St. Allenstown under arrest for driving after suspension, possession of controlled drug, and possession of drugs in a motor vehicle, Bradford Clifton was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Bradford Clifton is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 15, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; 2:15 a.m.-Route 28, Sobriety Checkpoint, officers placed Norman Vallee, 40 of Province Rd., Gilmanton under protective custody, transported to the PD and later released; MON. AUGUST 17 2:43 a.m.-Nadine Rd., Officer Bergeron initiated motor vehicle stop, placed Daniel Paradis, 48 of Sherwood Dr. Hooksett under arrest for DWI, Paradis was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Paradis is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 15, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; Officer Bergeron also placed Melissa Driesse, 35 of Broadway, Pembroke under protective custody, Driesse was also transported to the PD, processed and later released; SAT. AUGUST 22 9:26 p.m.-Memorial Field, Old Home Festivities, the following arrests were made: Officer Allen placed Jonathan Folsom, 18 of River Rd. Bow under protective custody, Folsom was transported to the PD, where he was processed and later released, Officers Allen and Nickerson placed Corey Miller, 17 of Pembroke St. Pembroke under arrest for possession of controlled drug, Miller was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Miller is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 22, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; Officers Allen, Hanson and Adinolfo placed Barry Scheffer Jr., 19 of Foster Rd. Canterbury under arrest for disorderly conduct, simple assault and unlawful possession of alcohol, Scheffer was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Scheffer is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 22, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; SUN. AUGUST 23 12:18 a.m.-Turnpike St., Officers Allen, Adinolfo and Hanson placed Timothy Constant, 46 of Prospect Mountain Rd. Alton under arrest for aggravated DWI, DWI, failure to obtain NH driver’s license, Constant was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Constant is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 22, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; 2:45 p.m.-Buck St., received report of unwanted subject, Officer Cunha responded to investigate, placed Cherryl Hutchins, 55 of Buck St. Pembroke under arrest for default of bail conditions, Hutchins was transported to the PD, processed and transported to Merrimack County House of Corrections pending arraignment at Hooksett District Court; WEDS. AUG. 26 4:25 p.m.-Buck St., Chief Lane and Officer Allen placed Alexander Veseskis-Esch, 20 of Pine St. Pembroke under arrest for driving after suspension, revocation for default, license prohibitions, unregistered motor vehicle, Veseskis-Esch was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Veseskis-Esch is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 22, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; THURS. AUG. 27 8:35 p.m.-PD, arrest warrant for conduct after an accident was served on Joseph Allen, 17 of Rosedale Lane Pembroke, Allen was processed and released on PR bail, Allen is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 29, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; 10:30 p.m.-Route 106, Officer Allen spoke with suspicious subject, placed Harry Donovan, 43 of Airport Rd. Concord under arrest for outstanding bench warrant for Hooksett District Court, Donovan was transported to the PD, processed and transported to Merrimack County House of Corrections pending arraignment at Hooksett District Court; SAT. AUGUST 29 7:15 p.m.-PD, arrest warrants for indecent exposure, harassment and disorderly conduct were served on Jeffrey Gelinas, 17 of Donna Dr., Pembroke, Gelinas was processed and released on PR bail, Gelinas is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 29, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; 11:01 p.m.-Academy Rd., Officer Allen received motor vehicle complaint, responded to investigate, placed Christopher Horrocks, 31 of Buck St. Pembroke under arrest for DWI, Horrocks was transported to the PD, processed and released on PR bail, Horrocks is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 29, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; SUNDAY AUG. 30 6:47 p.m.-PD, arrest warrant for disorderly conduct and simple assault was served on Corey Clark, 17 of Deerfield Rd. Allenstown, Clark was processed and released on PR bail, Clark is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 29, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.; MON. AUGUST. 31 6:50 p.m.-PD, arrest warrant for disorderly conduct and simple assault was served on Jacob Collinge, 17 of Front St. Pembroke, Collinge was processed and released on PR bail, Collinge is scheduled to appear at Hooksett District Court on September 29, 2009 at 8:15 a.m.;
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Well, ‘Straight out of Pembronx’ has received more hate mail. It is again sent by the reader going by the name of “Val”. If Val dislikes my column so much, I don’t know why she reads it. Maybe she just feels like she needs a voice, too. Perhaps she should get a blog. Anyhoo, here’s her comment below: “I can clearly see that your education in moral ethics and respect for others was nill. The sadest part about your blog is that there are probably many young readers who will read your comments and find them funny. They, thanks to you will probably believe that it is ok for them to treat and talk about people in the same manner that you do because they saw it in print! Don't you thin that there are enough sick minds already in this world without encouraging new ones? Your sick twisted type of journalism does not belong in the free press. Though I support your right to express your opinions it does not mean that you should not use better judgement in what you say about others and who it may offend. I pray that someday you will grow up and realize that your influence in the press can affect how people think, especially how the youth think, they are the most vunerable!” -Val So, I’m not really sure which class on moral ethics I must have missed? Was it held out in back of a barn, like the other lessons you previously wanted to teach me about ladies? I’m really not sure what this person finds so offensive. I used the words “fat”, “rotund”, and admittingly used the nickname “spitty bitty” [See previous posts, “Allenstown Woman Spat Upon by Suncook Youth”, and “More SOOP Hate Mail – Use of Fat Offends”.] What words would you have me use to describe someone who is overweight? Like I mentioned before, I feel no need to pad the issue, so to speak – if someone is fat, they know it. And if they don’t care about themselves enough to stop eating poorly and start exercising, why should they care if I use the word fat? And thus why should I? Clearly they’ve accepted the notion of being fat – it’s not like the blubberman snuck in through their bedroom window one night and they just woke up fat. America has television shows airing during primetime featuring sex and violence and all sorts of disrespect. People watch shows such as “Biggest Loser”, in which fat people are paraded about on treadmills to compete for who can lose the most weight. If you’re trying to clean up the American press, start by complaining to the FCC about that crap. The worst part about it is that if you try to watch the actual news, you are bombarded with soft-news ads plugging their own shows. I can’t stand it. So I don’t watch it! Heck, I don’t really even watch TV at all. That’s the power of personal choice – which is my point – if you don’t like my blog, don’t read it! Besides, I’m sure I’ve said worse things in the past than “fat”. You should read all of the back issues of ‘Straight out of Pembronx’ if you really want to rile yourself up. As far is my affect on America’s youth, I am pretty sure my readership base is confined to this general geographic area. And have you seen these kids around town? I really don’t peg them for the reading type. Besides, lots of things are in print that are far more offensive, ignorant, and biased than my blog. And if you’re so worried about what people see in print influencing their actions, you should use spell check next time. Just because you read something on the internet doesn’t mean that it is Gospel. Have you ever heard the expression “Don’t believe everything you read”? Probably not, as you mentioned praying about me, my life’s course, and a silly blog… I am certainly doubtful that my “influence in the press” impacts how people think – most people just read it for the lulz, which is the same reason I write it. But if I do effect change, I would hope that the Town cleans up the graffiti and drug dealers around the village – you know, the vulnerable, innocent youth that I’m affecting. You say that I am encouraging “sick minds”? Good. Heck, if these brats were more like me Scumcook would be a better place for all! My “sick twisted type of journalism does not belong in the free press”? That’s probably the biggest accolade I could ever hope to achieve, thank you for the kind words. But seriously? You must be a troll! I’m not sure you fully understand what the “free press” is. Actually, on second thought I am certain you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about! I never glorified the spitting; I merely described my observations. My end goal is certainly not to offend, but I really can’t say I care too much about a few casualties or a little collateral damage. I do not buy into political correctness, and believe we have gone too far in the feminization and baby-proofing of our society in effort not to offend. People need to be offended every now and then – it’s good for you. Writing in and of itself is a moral hazard. You can’t write for every audience, and I just do it for the lulz. But you need to lighten up (pun intended)! I’m not the one that spits on people, nor am I the one that hangs out on a curb over at the Heartbreak Hotel smoking cigarettes all day. I just write about it. And you don’t have to read it.
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My column reviewing Famous Village Pizza has received yet another reader comment [Comment as follows: “Clemenza’s Pizza is so much better than you guys. They have awesome pizza. Blows yours out of the water. Way better customer service, too.” -Mike]. Well, Mike, this actually provides an excellent segue into my next installment of ‘Suncook Reviewed’ in which ‘Straight out of Pembronx’ will actually review Clemenza’s Pizza. They are located at 139 Main Street here in the ‘bronx, right where Suncook House of Pizza used to be. They are NOT affiliated with the Suncook House that used to be there – which is good, ‘cuz that place was straight nasty. First of all, they have my meatball right there! That is great news! Actually, their slogan is “We got your meatball right here!”. This is an incredibly ballsy slogan, and I love it! And if you were now wondering, yes, they have excellent meatballs and I highly recommend them in any of the available calzone, pizza, sub or a la carte forms. The inside of the joint is actually pretty decent. First of all, they have two pinball machines (one of which features a Sopranos theme)! A wicked awesome addition for any would-be pinball wizards who reside in the ‘bronx! There is also a nice flat panel TV that always has a game on, plus they serve beer. That warrants another mention: THEY SERVE BEER! This is a great alternative for those villagers who are not of the elite Legion/VFW crowd. They keep it kitschy with framed issues of Cigar magazine featuring famous Italians dotting the wall, and it all kind of pulls together into a North End vibe. While small, the restaurant is clean and the counter help is both friendly and professional. I usually order either delivery or take-out, and have never experienced anything that I thought was subpar – in fact, they really have some fabulous pizza with a great variety of creative topping combinations! Their dough is always fresh and chewy, and they even offer white pizza made with fresh garlic, olive oil and basil. I recommend the Priollo – a white pizza which has fried breaded eggplant, ricotta and roasted red peppers. Good stuff. Really freakin’ good. Like crack. Like the pizzas which they resemble, their calzones are also very good. The subs are above-average and also offer some interesting choices. Most of the side orders are standard pizza pub quality and variety, but the pizza truly excels. I believe it to be amongst the best in the greater Concord area, contending with Checkmate and Sal’s. They are priced fairly, and offer coupons and specials. If you live in the Pembronx and you still haven’t tried Clemenza’s, you probably work across the street at Famous.
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We, here at ‘Straight out of Pembronx’, have received more hate mail. I love hate mail. So far, of our whopping 3 user comments, 2 of them have been hate mail. This leaves us with a hate mail rate of roughly 66.666%. I’m proud of that number, and would like to see it more around the 100% mark. First of all, let me again remind my loyal legion of misfit toys that I am a rogue gonzo journalist; as such I needn’t follow any rules or maintain any scruples. I write an opinion blog. I do not need to be fair, balanced, unbiased, or nice. Much of this is because I am not beholden to advertisers or other outside interests. Part of it is because I feel the need to prove my point via mocking banter, rich with snarkasm and yellow journalism. The rest of it is because I am a jerk and this is how I get my LOLz. Which brings me to today’s scornful reader comment: ‘I am really upset about how the victim is referred to in this story. Fat, rotund, spitty bitty. The writer of this story also needs to be taken out behind the barn for a lesson in respect for a lady.’ -Val First, prove to me that this was a “lady”! I have never seen any ladies over at The Heartbreak Hotel – I’ve seen crackwhores, fatty-boom-booms, and baby mommas, but no real “ladies”. And why are they teaching lessons about “respecting ladies” behind a barn? I’m not going to touch that one, but there just has to be something wrong with that general notion…? A barn? I guess some folks really were raised in a barn. And if that was a sad attempt at a come-on – no, I will not take you on a dinner date. Second, “fat” and “rotund” are both adjectives. Adjectives are describing words. Do you take issue with my observations? This nation has been brainwashed into thinking ‘big is beautiful’, and that it is wrong to mention someone’s weight. I take issue with that. Being fat is unhealthy and it shortens the lives of all of our favorite fat friends. We are not a nation full of “glandular” issues; on the contrary we eat too much junk food and are a lazy, sloth-like sort with no concept of exercise. Just think of all the obese pigs at the grocery store that are too fat to walk to get their food that they must use a motorized grocery cart. Am I to accept that this subject is too taboo for discussion? Why, because I might hurt someone’s feelings? Good, hurt them. If their feelings get hurt enough, maybe they’ll stop eating fast food and slurping soda all day. To be fair, I also referred to the offenders as “chuckleheads”, “stupid”, and “delinquents”. If anything, that is my opinion. Someone being fat is obvious to everyone around them, with the exception of other fat people. So if my opinion or observations offend you, go on a diet. Or write me some more hate mail.
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I heard a rumor recently that the Town of Pembroke was out surveying the logistics of re-positioning the cannon. I presume that they want to aim it in a direction that is not so outwardly hostile toward my residence. I suppose it would be nice to aim it downriver toward Bow, but it would be hilarious to aim it at the Heartbreak. It will save time from re-aiming it during the inevitable zombie outbreak. This is a nice gesture, don’t get me wrong, and it may well prevent me from purchasing an anti-aircraft cannon of my own. The last thing we want to do is start a neighborhood arms race or provoke a preemptive strike, after all. I certainly hope it does not detract from their graffiti cleanup efforts…that is, if there were any graffiti cleanup efforts. Ever. I’m not sure why the Town of Pembroke just lets Suncook be Scumcook…? Do you hear me, Town? Why? Could we perhaps dedicate just a few of our resources to cleaning up the graffiti and trash downtown? We pay taxes here in the village, too. There is seriously several years’ worth of vandalism and bad graff built-up around this town’s buildings, alleys, bridges, tunnels and parks. The whole thing has just become an accepted way of life down here in the village. Ask anyone: “It is what it is, you know?” The whole cleanup operation could be paid for by the Highway Department just not letting their diesel trucks idle while they’re inside buying scratch tickets at Lavallee’s. Other areas of town are maintained religiously. I mean, seriously. It’s almost as if someone at the town (perhaps a selectman?) wants the property value to be low here in the ‘bronx…? Just because people are poor doesn’t mean that we all like to look ghetto. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, right, Grandpa? If a corner is tagged by some paper gangster, it just attracts more paper gangsters. Before you know it, someone vandalizes a home, steals property out of a yard, breaks a window at the store, or steals a handgun out of a car (all of which have happened). Now, any of this can and will happen anywhere. But there is no need to bait the roaches with a blinking neon sign proclaiming ‘Congregate Here, Ye Shady Hoodlums! Decorate my kingdom with your marker and paint! Mingle amongst the corners and sidewalks, the bridges and the alleys and my lawn! Lower the property value for an entire community! Reap what I sow! Grow your rapsheet while forcing yourself upon society like a drunken fratboy! Rejoice!’ Today’s takeaway: A poorly kept lawn attracts dandelions. Someone needs to mow the yard. In other words, CLEAN UP THE FREAKING GRAFFITI, PEMBROKE! Gosh!
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I was on my way out of the building earlier this afternoon, when I was drawn to a developing commotion: Evidently, one of society’s more rotund members was spat upon by one of a group of Scumcook’s future felons. This would be funny enough, in and of itself, but leave it to the mentally challenged to take it to a whole ‘nother level! A chase ensued, and the gaggle of delinquents ran and hid underneath of the Main Street bridge. A combination of Allenstown and Pembroke police swiftly responded to the alleged assault and located the victim. Meanwhile, the teens grew bored and began throwing rocks at the bird nests which are nestled within the I-beams of the bridge. This act drew the attention of the cops as well as the fat woman. She ran up and attempted to hide behind a light pole as she pointed out her assailants to the law. At that point the stupid kids began to scatter, but they didn’t have far to go – they were under a bridge next to a river. A few of them jumped the chainlink fence into my yard as the Five-O wobbled and leapt about while screaming “Don’t move!” in a hot pursuit which doubled as their yearly workout. After rounding up the chuckleheads, the police separated them for a proper Gestapo-style interrogation. This resulted in both tears and urine-soiled trousers as the finger pointing began. The boys were hauled away and made to apologize to the spitty bitty. One of the offenders was detained; three were released back into the belly of ‘bronx to leave their own mark on society. It’s 6pm. Do you know where your children are? Or more importantly, do you know whose lawn they’re on?
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I am blogging live from the side of Main Street on a freshly procured military-spec Toughbook. It’s not bad for a PC – I’m a Mac guy since forever, but I had to bite the bullet for a class I’m taking. Anyhoo, the crisp Scumcook air is ripe with snarkasm, and I can just smell a blog coming on… A few moments ago, a burgundy/maroon panel van with gold letters whipped around the corner of Main Street and Glass like many a vehicle that cruise the byways of the ‘bronx. This time, it clipped the mirrors of a black Silverado, removing them cleanly from the truck an effort to streamline. With a satisfying crack, the public way was littered with seven years of bad luck. An officer from the Pembroke Police Department arrived swiftly and dealt a fatal blow to the absconding offenders. All in a days work for the ‘bronx’s men in blue. It’s just before five o’clock on a Friday. The 85% of the country with jobs is getting out of work right now. The 65% of Scumcook residents who work will be driving by for the next hour in a frantic effort to procure beer. Some will go to Lavallee’s for the 18-racks of PBR; others will flock to the Legion. The ones who are not drinking are on their way down Front Street to get some drugs. My ‘hood keeps it really real. I love it. I’ll show you how my block rocks like a boom box. Meanwhile…I ventured to Lavallee’s to grab some seasonal offerings from Mr. Samuel Adams. On my way back from the store, a drunken Legionnaire staggered out and began his way up the sidewalk. I didn’t pay him much mind, and focused on returning to my Main Street post. “Hey!” he pointedly asserted as he stopped and waited for me to turn. “Hey!” he shouted again, “Do you know where I can get any coke?”. Sorry, buddy, can’t help you. But I’m sure you won’t have to go far.
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‘Straight Out of Pembronx’ has discovered advanced settings deep within the blogosphere which have enabled a sweet little thang called “Allow Anonymous User Comments’. Rumor has it that it will allow comments to be posted by – you guessed it – anonymous users of info porn. Now you too can post statements that they would never actually say in person. Get in on the action! Ride the coattails of ‘Straight Out of Pembronx’ all the way to ghetto superstardom! So emerge from the shadows, ye lurking trolls! Post-up now; I’ll make ya famous…
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Formerly Renna’s Café, Main Street’s mainstay greasy spoon is now known as the Sunrise Grill. The Sunrise Grill has big shoes to fill, as Renna’s was long a Sunday morning ritual for local Pembronx townies such as myself. Truthfully, the Sunday morning breakfast buffet was always the big draw for me – as such I will only be reviewing the breakfast buffet. It is hard to resist the urge to compare and contrast the past and the present – and so I won’t. As a matter of fact, that’s probably what most folks here in the ‘bronx want to know anyway: How does the new buffet stack up to Renna’s? After experiencing the new deal, I would theorize that how you answer one defining question will determine your susceptibility to change: Do you like a nice tossed salad with your breakfast? The answer you chose puts you into one of two camps: If you answered “yes” to that question, then head on down to the Sunrise Grill this Sunday and get your grub on! On the other hand, if you said “no” or shrieked “WTF? Salad? For breakfast?”, then the new lineup probably isn’t quite your thing. Most of the buffet line-up consists of prefabricated commercial-grade catering fare that is remarkably similar to the continental breakfasts found commonly at generic motel chains. However, bucking the trend is the “brunch-like” randomness of items such as clam chowder. I suppose the chowder goes well next to the salad bar, but at 10 in the morning after a typical Scumcook Saturday night full of beer and revelry…well, you get the idea. Heck, if you’re serving chowda for breakfast you need to serve beer. Renna’s had some home cooking. Sunrise Grill has what looks to be microwaved, precooked thin Oscar Meyer bacon. Renna’s had crepes. No crepes at the new Sunrise Grill. Renna’s had good biscuits and gravy. The Sunrise sausage gravy tastes like it’s from a packet of instant dry mix, and their rock-hard mini biscuits are made by Jiffy at best. Renna’s had bad coffee, Sunrise Grill has absolutely horrible coffee. Both of them have fresh fruit. Renna’s did not have clam chowder or spaghetti with meatballs or a salad bar with your choice of dressing. Sunrise Grill does indeed have that dinner-filled goodness that you’ve been craving since you put away the leftovers last night. In fact, it might even be last nights’ leftovers; who knows? It’s just not really up to par with the caliber of Sunday morning intake required by a svelte mystery blogger of such renowned stature. I’m sure you get the idea. Unfortunately the buffet layout artists do not, and neither does Chef Boyardee out back. However, I still haven’t written the place off completely. I’m sure some Sunday morning I will saunter back on over for another helping, hangover in tow. It’s just that kind of a place, and it’s just that close to home.
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